Friday Musings

It’s Friday morning here in Oklahoma, and I’ve been awake for almost five hours. Nothing unusual for me. I’m usually an up-by-5:00-am kind of person. This week, however, has been a week of recovery. I spent last week in the Colorado silence–and quite honestly I didn’t realize just how foreign the silence is. But, after a travel day home on Sunday followed by Mother’s Day celebrations and two long work days, I’ve not accomplished much this week.

As a matter of fact, I haven’t even been able to get my mind focused to speak to God, to truly hear His Word, to connect in any way.

I was determined today would be different. And it has been. For the last five hours, I’ve been listening to worship music, praying, walking. I’ve been super intentional about trying to connect with God.

But do you know what my prayers have been?

Where are you, God?

Why are you so silent?

I need you.

Why aren’t you answering my prayers?

This season doesn’t look like I expected it to.

Why aren’t you showing me the next step?

What in my heart is blocking your presence?

I miss the intimacy with you that I once had.

Why is nothing going right in my life?

I could probably go on and on, but I think you get the point. I am struggling spiritually. It seems dry. My prayers seem to be going no further than the ceiling. I long for the power and abundance promised in scripture, but I almost feel myself resigning to a life of mediocrity.

It feels like my dreams and passions are dying.

It feels like God has gone silent.

It feels like He is completely absent.

It feels like I am trying to navigate this life in the dark.

And I guess that word is the my truth and my problem: Feels.

Because we all know our emotions cannot be trusted. Our emotions are not our true north. We cannot live our lives based on what we feel.

We must put our hope in something deeper, something greater. We must remember that there is One Truth, One Life, One Way–Jesus Christ Himself.

We must remember that His character is bigger than anything we see or feel. His character is one of faithfulness, hope, generosity, relentless pursuit, never-ending grace, strength. His character is that of unmatched generosity and sacrificial love.

And as I reflect on my thoughts this morning, I feel my mind going back to the many miracles He has done in my life and in my family in the last year. I try to remember all the ways He has spoken to me.

I reflect on the conversation yesterday with the young lady who is in the darkest season of her life and how He used me to speak life and encouragement into her.

I think about the hopes and plans He has given me and the I try to cling to seeing them become reality.

I find myself thanking him for the many blessings in my life, among which are my husband and my three incredible children.

I remember that He has provided my daily manna for over five decades on this earth.

I am eternally grateful for this beautiful life, for the fact He is still working to bring about His purposes for me.

I might even be reminded that this is how the disciples felt on that Friday when Jesus was crucified, a reminder that there’s still more to the story.

I am reminded that His strength is made perfect in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).

And I find myself clinging to Him, even when He seems silent.