Who Am I?

Have you ever read something in scripture that you’ve read a million times before and it just hits you? It’s convicting and reassuring all at the same time?

That’s where I found myself a few weeks ago. I had been at a conference, and the same lesson was reinforced throughout the week: Embrace the way God made you and stop with the negative self-talk. I heard the message for days, and I thought the message was for someone else.

Until I got home.

For some strange reason, I happened upon Exodus 4:10 shortly after I returned home. Moses is standing at the burning bush, and God has clearly revealed he will deliver Israel from Egypt.

Moses’s response was one of self-doubt—really, of God-doubt.

But Moses pleaded with the Lord, “O Lord, I’m not very good with words. I never have been, and I’m not now, even though you have spoken to me. I get tongue-tied, and my words get tangled.”

Then the Lord asked Moses, “Who makes a person’s mouth? Who decides whether people speak or do not speak, hear or do not hear, see or do not see? Is it not I, the Lord?  Now go! I will be with you as you speak, and I will instruct you in what to say.”

But Moses again pleaded, “Lord, please! Send anyone else.” Exodus 4:10-13

Most of my life, I’ve felt pretty confident in who I am, in who God created me to be. I’ve excelled in many areas of life, standing out as one who pursues excellence in everything I do. Most things I approach with the mentality, “I will not just survive. I will thrive!”

However, over the last decade, I’ve had some struggles understanding where God is leading me. I know I was called to ministry as a young child. Yet, in the midst of my divorce, I lost the title minister. God reassured me His will and His call are irrevocable (Romans 11:29), yet I’ve struggled to find my place post-divorce. God laid a vision on my heart over a decade ago, but I’ve sputtered in seeing it come to fruition.

I’ve sputtered in moving forward with the vision God has given me.

I’ve sputtered at making a dream a reality.

Two years ago, God called me to take a wild step of obedience: to quit my job and pursue coaching full-time. I’ve given up the security of a paycheck, and I’m seeking to trust God as my Provider. I thought for sure I would see the fruit of obedience immediately.

Yet, I haven’t.

Two years in, and I still wait on God to be faithful to His promises to me. God has continued to give me reassurances, repeatedly reminding me that I have taken a step of obedience and He has great plans. Yet, it seems as if my dreams are no closer to reality today than they were two years ago.

Quite honestly, I’m frustrated. I’m tired. I’m struggling to understand God’s plans for my life. I’m struggling to understand why He would call me to this step of obedience if He’s not going to make good on His promise.

And I find myself whining to God, “Are you sure you are calling me to this ministry? You made me introverted. I’m not very bold. I don’t have the right connections. Surely you meant to send someone else.”

Sound like Moses?

But what did God say to Moses in His doubts? He reminded Moses that He is the Creator, the One who forms us in our mothers’ wombs (Psalm 139:13). He reminds Moses that He decides who is eloquent and who is not. He reminds Moses it is God who will deliver the people, not Moses. He reminds Moses that He will put words in Moses’s mouth and it will be Him speaking.

But, in His kindness, He also gives Moses a side-kick, his brother who will walk with him and speak for him. That doesn’t appear to be God’s plan A, yet in kindness he allows Moses to have someone to go on the journey with him.

We all need an Aaron, huh? That person who will be our right-hand man. Who will be our confidante. Who will hold our arms up when we get tired. Who will be beside us every step of the way.

You know, the truth is, I have been doubting God. I have expected Him to work in my way, in my time. But He is God and His ways are so much higher than my ways (Isaiah 55:8)!

God has called me to One thing: To seek His face. To seek His righteousness. To trust Him wholly and completely. To walk with Him in His presence. To be a Mary sitting at His feet. To lavish my love on Him.

The results are all up to Him.

In His time.

In His way.

And He says that He is able to do exceedingly and abundantly more than I could ever ask, hope, or imagine. According to His power that is at work in me (Ephesians 3:20).

And He calls me anointed.

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me,
    for the Lord has anointed me
    to bring good news to the poor.
He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted
    and to proclaim that captives will be released
    and prisoners will be freed.
He has sent me to tell those who mourn
    that the time of the Lord’s favor has come Isaiah 61:1-2

Who am I, the created, to tell the Creator of the Universe that I can’t do what He has clearly called me to do?

And who are you to doubt who He created you to be? What is He calling you to do? And what is your response?

Father God, we repent of our pride and arrogance that doubts you, the Creator of the Universe. We repent of the low view we take of you and of ourselves. Let your power be at work in us, to do what you have called us to do, to be what you have called us to be. May we sit at your feet as you empower us to go. In Jesus’ holy name we pray, amen.